Category Archives: Fun with Security

Back in the saddle

26 Thursday Sep 2013

Posted by in Fun with Security, With love from the Tarmac

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Trip type: Personal-ish

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-DTW

Hi. I’m back.

Isn’t it cute how I thought I’d post some old stories while I was out on maternity leave? Six months and one baby later, I’m back–and back in the air!

Concrete jungle

Concrete jungle

Last weekend found me getting my travel sea legs back under me by jetting off to Detroit for a Junior League conference (how thoughtful of them to have it so close to home for my maiden voyage!). I had been looking forward to the trip and dreading it in equal measure for a while so I was surprised to find it finally upon me last Thursday.

Compounding my anxiety about being away from H for three nights was the added stress of figuring out how to transport breast milk back [If this is not your cup of tea, you might want to cut out of this post now. Sorry, dudes.] Consider this post a how-to for moms who pump and fly.

Packing Tips

  1. In preparation for coming home again, I bought a soft-side can cooler which said it held about nine aluminum cans. I figured this should accommodate three days’ worth of milk stored in plastic bags. I also bought two Medela hard-sided bottle cold packs. I figured these would give some structure to the many bags and not get condensation like a standard cold pack.
  2. Made it home with the whole stash!

    Made it home with the whole stash!

    At the hotel, I made sure there was a refrigerator in the room. There actually wasn’t supposed to be one when I called ahead to ask, so I requested it. (Don’t worry if you don’t remember to request it, however; they sent me a nice little confirmation and everything only to forget to actually do it and had to send one up post check-in.)

  3. I packed my pump bag in a larger bag. I figured when I came back, this larger bag would hold the pump and the cooler bag. This greatly confused the TSA agent:
    “A big in a bag, eh? What’s in here?”
    – “A breast pump.”
    “A what now?”
    – “It’s a breast. Pump.”
    “Oh.” And then he dropped it like it was hot and he was Snoop.
  4. Obviously, you’ll also need plenty of bags, a pen for marking, and a Ziploc bag to transport pump pieces to and fro. Oh, and I wish I’d remembered a cover but a scarf worked just fine.

I actually had a very nice time pre-flight at the airport and especially appreciated the woman with whom I bonded at Surdyk’s who told me “Motherhood is a sisterhood–all my love to you on this first trip away” when I got a little bleary eyed looking at her five-and-a-half month old.

A view from Saturday's booze cruise

A view from Saturday’s booze cruise

Naturally, the flight out did not go smoothly. Due to a fast-moving storm, we were grounded for about a half hour and then pulled out of line to re-route. Twice. It was not awesome. Just when I was starting to wonder if I’d be testing out the pump’s battery-powered abilities in the airport bathroom, we were off. Crisis averted.

Although I knew TSA policies would be on my side, I wasn’t sure if all the agents would be fully accommodating. At DTW on Sunday, I went to the Pre-Check lane and was delighted to find myself all alone with three TSA agents. I wasted no time announcing to the first agent that I had precious cargo and he loudly relayed the message to his two counterparts. The agent working the conveyor did go through my bag (“Wow, it’s labeled and everything!”) and swab it for explosives but it was smooth sailing other than that. I was very relieved to get everything transferred home successfully.

It was a little weird to be back in the air. Everything felt familiar but oddly surreal. It was like using an arm that’s fallen asleep to brush your teeth. You know you’re doing it right but it feels really strange. I’m sure I’ll get the hang of it again soon.

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Airports I’ve Known and Loathed, Part II – AMS

12 Sunday Aug 2012

Posted by in Adventures Abroad, Fun with Security

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Tulips at the Amsterdam flower market

Oh the tulips at the Amsterdam flower market

Last year, E and I visited the city of Amsterdam primarily because I had never stepped outside the airport after 10+ years of flying through it. And it was great. Amsterdam is a fabulous city and a real European treat. I only wish I could say the same for its airport.

There have been many memorable visits to Schiphol…I don’t think I’ve ever felt traveling anxiety the way I’ve felt it at AMS. It’s hard to distill, but here are the top three recollections.

  1. Amsterdam architecture

    Amsterdam architecture – the hooks are used to move large pieces of furniture.

    The time I ran the entire length of the airport. I really need to write a post about my trip home from studying abroad (yes, the same trip where #3 on this list happened), but for the sake of this discussion, I’ll just recap the very quick portion spent at Schiphol. Traveling home with my dad from Paris, our first connection was at Amsterdam. Naturally, we were late getting in and, knowing that we still had to connect at JFK (this trip is the singular reason I never connect if I can help it. Triggers the PTSD.), I was worried we’d be stuck overnight in Amsterdam or New York even if we didn’t get on the plane to NYC.

    AMS is a “one terminal” airport which can be helpful because you don’t have to take a tram between terminals but unhelpful if you get in at one end and have to get to the other. Which was exactly the case here. Because we had flown on a commuter-type flight from Paris, we weren’t near the international departures. As my father had recently had angioplasty, I took it upon myself to run ahead. Literally. Like a crazy person. I got to the podium and begged the gate agent to let us on, breathlessly telling her my father was coming and throwing around “heart condition” to gain some sympathy points. I looked (and felt) like a maniac, but we did make the flight.

  2. The time we spent an hour in the basement of Schiphol. En route home from Hungary a couple of years ago, we connected through Amsterdam. I’ll have to do some sleuthing as to whether there’s tension between the two countries, but it sure seemed like we were put through the ringer. First, we had to deplane on the Tarmac. Second, we were herded onto a bus and driven to the terminal. Finally, we were left in a teeny room, barely big enough to hold the 200 or so people from the flight. It became apparent that we’d be going through security again before being allowed into the main terminal (even though we had clearly gone through in Budapest). Sigh. There were two security staff working one conveyor so it took about an hour to get through. Thankfully, our flight had arrived slightly early so we had time to waste on these shenanigans.
  3. Anne Frank Museum, Amsterdam

    The Anne Frank Museum. Incredibly powerful.

    The time I thought we were going to have to call the State Department. Ok, this is a bit of a cop out since I already wrote an entire post on the time our passports were mis-scanned and we were pulled aside while our national identity was clarified but I think we can all agree this is about as bad as it gets. There’s nothing like being detained (ok, ok, that’s overstating it) like thinking you will be detained in a foreign country to make you want to never leave your house again. If I thought I looked like a crazy person in story one, I was even worse in this predicament as on top of the near-meltdown, I was rocking a horrible (and attractive) case of sun poisoning. Don’t be jealous.

I’m really grateful we spent time in the actual city of Amsterdam. Aside from fearing I would be run over by a bicyclist, it was an amazing time. And it makes me loathe AMS just a little bit less.

Amstel River, Amsterdam

A view from the Amstel River.

‘No’ Nonsense

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Seatmate Shenanigans

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-AUS

The word ‘No’ is one you hear frequently at the airport, especially from TSA and airline staff: “No, you can’t bring that bottle of hairspray in your carry-on”; “No, you can’t put your dog through the X-ray machine” (true story–I once saw a woman contemplating whether she was supposed to carry her Shih Tzu or put it on the conveyor), “No, you can’t jam your roller board under the seat in front of you if there isn’t any overhead space.” You catch my drift.

When the word ‘No’ comes from a fellow passenger however, things get decidedly more interesting. En route to Austin for a wedding last week, E and I observed two such instances:

#1: “No, I shall keep my jacket.”

My first story happened within 10 minutes of arriving at the airport (always a great tone to set for an afternoon of flying fun, no?). After scanning in at the podium, E and I queued at the third of four conveyors as it appeared that some altercation was going down on the fourth conveyor. In fact, the fourth conveyor was completely stopped, giving off a post-apocalyptic vibe with all its luggage and bins frozen on their way to the X-ray machine.

Beside the abandoned lane was a family made up of about eight 20-somethings and one old man who was probably in his mid-70s. E and I quickly pieced together that the issue was with the older man who was dressed in a full suit and not speaking English. The younger family members were animatedly arguing with him as he, apparently, did not want to remove his suit jacket. After finally coaxing it off of him several minutes later, he did not want to relinquish it. He just kept yelling what I can only assume was, “No, I shall keep my jacket!” Or something to this effect.

The polite Minnesotans all around this debacle clucked concernedly to each other as the perturbed TSA agent kept (helpfully!) interjecting that the jacket went through the machine or the man didn’t fly.

I don’t know what became of this group. We clearly needed drinks after the steep emotional toll of observing this all go down so once through security, we were off to Surdyk’s.

#2: “No, I don’t think I can do that.”

As is my usual wont, I had booked us in exit rows for both ends of the trip. Settled in to Row 9, the Delta agent came by to get our verbal confirmation that we would all be willing and able to help in an emergency situation. Seated to E’s left (on the aisle) was an older woman who, when asked if she could help in an emergency situation, answered, “No, I don’t think I can do that.”

Now, on the one hand I have to give her kudos for her honesty. She certainly didn’t look like she’d be the most useful in a high-adrenaline situation (there’s no way she could have done anything with a 42 pound door) so it was definitely for the good of the plane that she responded in the negative.

On the other hand, why the deuce did she book an emergency row in the first place?

At any rate, the Delta flight attendant handled the situation calmly. He took her response in stride and suggested another seat for her…which she turned down. Yes, it was at the back of the plane but oy. She then suggested that she’d stay in her seat after all but the flight attendant told her that she’d already said no and therefore he had to respect that response and move her. As you can imagine, there was no shortage of passengers willing to switch with her so it didn’t take long to get the whole thing sorted. Plus, her replacement looked much more able-bodied should any disasters have arisen.

After a whole lot of surprising ‘no’s, we were finally off to the capital of Texas. Yeehaw and whatnot.

Home now, several things have been reaffirmed for me:

  1. I could die happily if I got to eat Migas daily.
  2. E can cut a serious rug.
  3. I am not built for heat. I was mostly a melty pool of Minnesotan for three straight days.

Until the next trip, y’all!

Pre-Checked

19 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, It's not always so bad

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

It’s the little things that make all the difference, especially when you’re running around airports all the time. Given the usual propensity for flying snafus, my standards for these ‘little things’ is awfully low…a TSA agent who enjoys living, a flight that departs on time, not having anything dropped/spilled on me (got some Fresca to the eye on last night’s flight home courtesy of some aggressive can-opening on the part of the flight attendant).

And if it’s the little things that make all the difference, it’s the big things that make my day…unexpected upgrades, someone offering to put my bag up, and the new TSA PreCheck program.

If you haven’t heard about the PreCheck Program, I’ll explain it to you like I explained it to my friend Christine:

Yep, it’s like flying in 1999 again. Usually, I’m a fan of progress (did I truly live before my iPhone? Debatable.) but the security hassle around flying nowadays can be exhausting. [This is no comment on its necessity, just an acknowledgement of how laborious everything is at present.]

Anyway, back to the PreCheck program. Rolled out selectively beginning in October of last year, the program allowed some frequent fliers of Delta and American to fork over additional personal information in exchange for a quicker pass through security where you don’t have to take off your shoes or belt or remove your laptop or baggies. Since then, more airports have been added, including MSP, which was how I signed up in January.

Someone will have to correct me if I’m wrong on this, but I believe for a while you could only use PreCheck out of your home base airport. I’ve been to ATL many times since signing up but never got to use it out of Hartsfield-Jackson until yesterday when I was pointed to the coveted PreCheck lane after scanning my boarding pass at the pre-checkpoint checkpoint (one could never be enough). I walked right up to the podium, scanned my boarding pass and went into a blissfully open line where there was a dedicated agent awaiting me:

“Ma’am, I’m going to help you out today.”

-“Sounds great; thanks”

“What can I say? I love my job!”

-“Wow, maybe I should work for TSA.”

Quietly, conspiratorially: “No, you really don’t want to do that.”

-“Noted.”

I threw my bags on the conveyor and walked right through the detector (not even a full-body scanner)–shoes and all. I was literally done with security and headed for a Departures monitor in a minute. Glorious. The only two downsides I can foresee are that I’ll be tempted to arrive to the airport even later and that I might have to rename this blog if I no longer have to obsess over my baggie. A small price to pay.

The rest of the flight was uneventful aside from a pretty epic Battle of Elbow with my seat mate (and the previously noted Fresca mishap). It actually got to the point where I didn’t even want it and my left elbow was going numb from trying to keep it on the armrest but, on principle, I had to keep fighting for it. Hard to say who won so I’ll chalk it up as a win since this is my blog and all.

Conveyer Belt Connoisseur

15 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Sunday Fliers

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

I spend a lot of time bemoaning that the situation in which I recently found myself flying was the worst ever (Exhibits A, B and C)…and then I somehow manage to top it. Perhaps I’m just consistently melodramatic, but I prefer to think there’s just always a new echelon of absurdity that was heretofore unknown.

This morning, the ridiculousness was found in the security line. To be fair though, I should start by prefacing that my amusement level was pretty low to start. Due to the fact I was headed to a partner conference commencing at noon on a Sunday in Atlanta, I was on the 6:30am flight out of MSP. My previously noted frustrations with Sunday fliers (omg the lallygagging!) was in full effect and only heightened by the fact I had to be subjected to it whilst in full work attire.

So. Here we go. After once again forgetting to use the TSA Pre-Check lane, I found myself in conveyer gridlock behind, presumably, the most clueless people at the airport. (Yes, I know I already had a tirade last week about Googling how to travel correctly, but the seven people in front of me did not get the memo. I was also annoyed to have, yet again, managed to pick the lane that came to a standstill thanks to someone with more liquid than solid in her carry-on).

Luckily, Roger had my back. Roger was the TSA agent assigned to my line who clearly LOVES his job. He happily plucked the 20 tiny liquid bottles from the aforementioned woman’s carry-on and packed them into a baggie for her, all while explaining the historical background of the liquid sitch. He then repacked a man’s three bins into two (helpfully interjecting pointers on how to put one’s shoes just so in order to maximize space). Sadly for him, when Roger got to me there was nothing to fix. He saw my Delta luggage tag and commented that frequent fliers make his life so much easier. I felt pretty smug…

…Until the TSA guy at the other side of the conveyer asked, solemnly, if I was on my way to a funeral. Maybe it’s time for more color in my workwear.

Comparative Studies in Security Lines

08 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Holiday Hell

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-BDL / BDL-MSP

Holiday weekend travel, nothing better–amirite?! This past weekend, E and I did a quick back and forth from fly-over to Passover and I was unbelievably annoyed from start to finish. Look, I get that I am short on patience. And I get that I fly more than many, especially more than the infrequent flyers that come out of the woodwork around the holidays, but can I get a collective oy? If you don’t travel a lot, please save yourself a dirty look from me and Google “things to know when you fly”, Ok? Ok.

First things first: The Way There

After a 4am wakeup call, we were at the airport at 5:30 for our 7am flight to Connecticut and surprised to find very short security lines. Unfortunately, what was lacking in volume was made up for in annoyingness of fellow travelers.

In the security line, we were behind a family of four who had no idea what was going on. Understanding exactly half the Ziploc directive, they had their liquids packed in appropriately sized baggies…and several of them per person. Sigh. I amusedly watched the mother practically get naked in anticipation of the body scanner–shoes, socks, belt, coat, sweatshirt (I almost intervened to stop her when she decided she was bare enough)–and wedge all these items into one plastic bin (along with her three Ziplocs, purse and the shoulder strap of her duffel bag), as if she thought there was a one-per-person limit.

Breakfast of champions.

I then turned irrationally livid watching the girl behind me get pulled out of line and told that the full-size liquids in her carry-on were not allowed. “What? Really? But it says it’s travel size.” OMFG. E had to pull me away from the security area before my invective became too audible.

To be fair, however, unlike the second story I’m about to weave for you, at least these travelers didn’t delay me. You do not want to delay me at the airport. Ask E what happens if you walk too slowly on the moving sidewalk.

Plus, we were upgraded (see right), which always makes life a little better. There are few things I enjoy as much as free liquor. Sorry, mom.

Second things second: Home again

More fun in the security line on the way home. Although Bradley has become a pretty good looking and well functioning airport, it still surprises me in how it can be slightly behind the times (for example: the full-body scanner needs eight seconds to process. All the big airports’ machines take three seconds. Just saying.).

In the one line that accepted electronic boarding passes (see what I mean?), E and I got split up between a family of three made of a father and his two teenage daughters who, as teenage girls are wont to be, looked completely bored and judgmental. The three of them were flying to California, connecting through somewhere, and the father handed the security agent their cumulative six boarding passes in one pile. The security agent was not pleased as he had to sort the boarding passes to look at the three currently in question. He then asked daughter #1 (the one who had a cold and was incapable of sneezing without commentary about how sick she felt) what her full name was.

“Christine.”

“Your full name.”

“What?”

Please shoot me. After he got her full name out of her, he turned to daughter #2 and asked the same question. You’d think watching her sister go through this unbelievably complicated exercise would have prepared her but you’d be giving her a lot more credit than she deserved. Unreal. Remind me to raise children that are self-aware.

Kosher-ish

Anyway, we finally got through the slow x-ray machine (behind a gentleman who took his belt off…but then tried to carry it through with him…) and on our way to upgrade #2. And yes, I’ve decided wine is kosher for Passover.

Home. Finally.

One last story. Despite all the conspiracy to slow us down, nothing could stop us from an amazing feat of speed upon landing. We went from pulling up at the gate at 12:59 to being in the car and exiting the Gold ramp at 1:11. I kid you not. We were in the first row of first class and pulled in to D1, so we definitely had the fates on our side but we were pretty impressed with ourselves regardless.

Happy spring holidays to you all!

It’s in the Bag(gie)

18 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security

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Believe it or not, a couple people have actually asked me what’s in my plastic baggie. So here’s an exciting post about it!

BaggieHere’s a typical Business Trip Baggie (see Tip #4 below). As you can see, it’s pretty much packed to the brim. In case you haven’t yet gleaned from this blog, I am a little bit what they call “high maintenance.”

What’s in the baggie:

Deconstructed baggie.

Liquid necessities:

  • Fekkai Color Care shampoo and conditioner. I spend way too much on hair coloring (right, E??) to use hotel shampoo. Plus, some hotels don’t give you conditioner (and if they do, it’s never adequate) so I plan ahead.
  • Mousse. As you can tell, haircare is very important to me. I also have a pomade sort of deal which is technically a gel but it’s too big for the baggie, so…
  • Toothpaste (I usually stow one away as well (rule breaker!)).
  • Makeup (in the top pic I had the mascara in the bag but by the time I took picture #2, I had removed it. Technically TSA says it’s a liquid but I’m usually playing with fire on how much the Ziploc will hold before coming apart at the seams, so I tend to put this in my makeup bag instead. Hasn’t been an issue yet.)
  • Body wash. See first bullet on hotel inadequacies.
  • Face and body moisturizer. All that crap you read about flying being hard on the skin is unfortunately true. And hotels often have really hard water.
  • Two kinds of face wash (one is a backup. I’m petrified of running out of face wash and having to use soap.).
  • Lip gloss (this is what I call a decoy. Like most women, I have lipstick/gloss/chapstick everywhere in every bag, so I put the decoy here to account for all of them.).
  • Perfume. I also carry a solid perfume, but this is a great way to use up department store samples and they hardly take up any space.

Top tips for baggie packing:

  1. Lay items sideways. Standing little bottles upright wastes space.
  2. Pack from largest to smallest. These new-fangled Ziploc baggies are bigger at the bottom.
  3. Alternate the direction of your items. Most of my liquids are in a triangle shape; by alternating their caps and seams, I can get more in.
  4. Every trip is different; plan accordingly. For example, when I fly with E, I make him take extra liquids for me. When I’m going for work to Atlanta, I always stay at a Hyatt which means that they stock the room with toothpaste so I don’t have to give up precious baggie space for it (although I always pack one toothpaste in case I get stuck at the airport in some kind of never-ending delay situation. Scuzzy teeth are the worst.).
  5. Medical liquids can go in a separate baggie (yes, two baggies!).
  6. Do your best. I have never had to rip my bag apart for an elusive liquid. I’m not saying to not follow the rules (believe me, I’m nothing if not a rule-follower), but TSA should be looking out for guns and nun-chucks and whatnot, not my mis-packed mascara. And I think they mostly are. So pack a baggie as best you can and if you need an extra toothpaste and put it in some other bag, the worst case scenario is that they’ll confiscate it. Put your expensive liquids in the baggie and roll the dice on the rest. Since you’re now at the airport, you can probably replace whatever you need. Unless you’re in Tehran. But then you probably have more problems than this blog can solve.

If this seems overly complicated, it is. Over-thinking to this extent is surely causing some sort of mental malfunction in a brain synapse somewhere. I would just always prefer to carry-on than check. I haven’t checked a bag in years. In fact, E and I have taken several two-week European vacations with four carry-ons between us. Insane? Mayhaps. But worth it in my book.

Happy flying!

Golden

18 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Fun with Security

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

I know you’ve all been anxiously awaiting the moment I solidified Gold status* for next year (no? just me? well, you’re here reading already so go with it.) and I’m glad we could all be here together at this exciting time as I tell you that it’s mission: accomplished. Cue streamers.

Solidified for another year.

Other than our collective excitement, I have more to share because, naturally, this momentous occasion could NOT be accompanied by an enjoyable experience at the airport.

Never one to underestimate Atlanta area traffic, I arrived nice and early for my 12:30 flight home yesterday. As I queued into the security line, a gentleman slightly ahead of me caught my attention immediately. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the strong scent of stale scotch, lack of socks with dress shoes or extremely rumpled suit that assailed me at first, it was my hearing as I was forced to listen to his discussion of the…um… entertainment’s ethnicity from the previous night.

“I thought she was Estonian but it turns out she’s from Chattanooga! I know! Just an ethnic-looking hill-billy!”

I raised my eyebrows disapprovingly at him but his eyes were so glazed over that I doubt he noted it.

Blessedly, the call ended shortly thereafter. Perhaps I spoke too soon about him not noticing me, however:

“You’re from New York.” (Looking directly at me. Well, mostly. His eyesight was none too steady.) “Are you going to New York?”

“No.”

“F***.”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you want to come to New York with me?”

“I’m going home to my husband in Minneapolis.”

Then he started singing “St. Juuuuudddeeee….” to the tune of “Hey, Jude” because he was just in Minneapolis at St. Jude Medical. I put on my best appalled face which was unfortunately accompanied by furious blushing due to our exchange.

Luckily, at this point it was his turn to scan in and then he immediately got preoccupied trying to jump the rest of the security line as his flight was in 20 minutes (finally confirming my suspicion that he had literally rolled out of bed and somehow gotten himself to the airport.)

It was mostly uphill from here, although I did have to sit next to a woman who was clearly a smoker and wanted an iPhone tutorial for most of the flight. “Can you believe I just got this? I have no idea what I’m doing!” You don’t say.

To another year of Delta adventures as I start the Gold-quest all over again…

*I’m fully aware that Gold status means approximately nothing, but it’s the little things that make one happy, you know?