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A Life in Plastic Baggies

~ Travel adventure & absurdity

A Life in Plastic Baggies

Monthly Archives: October 2011

Of Tarmacs and tears

24 Monday Oct 2011

Posted by alifeinplasticbaggies in Monday Madness, With love from the Tarmac

≈ 1 Comment

Tags

all out disasters, Delta, Oy

Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

Just when I’d started to think I wouldn’t get any good blog material any time soon due to my last few trips going off with few complications, the gods of travel intervened…If you’ve ever read Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, you have a pretty good idea of where this is going.

Fun things that happened on this morning’s 6:30am flight:

1. TSA comedian joked that they wouldn’t be able to get a reading from the full body scanner because I was so short. Hysterical.

2. Six TSA reps visited my gate to check everyone’s photo IDs prior to boarding. Three people got a surprise pat-down. Guess who one of them was.

3. Finally aboard, I’m attempting to put my bag up (read: use my lacking upper body strength to more or less throw my bag toward the overhead bin. Ok, maybe the TSA guy was funny after all.) when I am hit in the head by someone trying to put her bag up across the aisle. (This is where the ‘tears’ part of this entry’s title comes from, btw; she really smacked me good. Don’t worry though, she totally got what was coming to her when I didn’t do the Minnesotan thing and say “That’s ok.” when she apologized. I’m sure she noticed the slight and was duly shamed.)

4. Finally. Let’s get this show on the road.

Alas.

After sitting on the Tarmac idling for about a half hour, the captain finally comes on to tell us that a valve that controls the air is stuck and maintenance has to fix it. We sit for about 10 minutes and then finally head back to the gate. At first we’re told it will be 20 minutes…20 minutes later we’re told it will only be 10 more minutes…this is followed by maintenance deciding it needs 15 more minutes to actually replace the valve (what had they been doing back there anyway??). Finally, we’re told it will only be five more minutes to get the final paperwork produced. Oy gevalt.

As you would imagine, about half the plane is now approaching Defcon Three. There’s a couple behind me going on their honeymoon (connecting to Cancun), the guy next to me is trying to go to Gainesville, and the guy two rows back was apparently going to The Most Important Conference of ALL TIME because it was IMPERATIVE he make his connection, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? Like poor Neil the flight attendant has any control over the damn valve. (Although I did shoot Neil an “Are you f-ing kidding me?” face when he told some woman visiting her granddaughter that “Delta will take care of you.” For the record: Zero gate agents met our flight.)

5. Finally-finally. We’re really going to go this time. The captain promises.

But we do really take-off. Yay! And for all that, we land only about 40 minutes late. They really do pad flying times.

6. Oh yes, there’s more. I get to the car rental center and head to grab a car at National (with status, you can just walk to any aisle and take a car). Inexplicably, National has all American cars…and Jettas. I always take a Jetta. So I find one, walk over, start putting my bag in and an elderly couple approaches me.

Woman: “Why did you choose this car?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Woman: “We’re trying to decide what car to get but I can’t pick.”

OMG. Is this really happening? The only contact I want to have at the rental car center is with the person at the exit gate. And even then I don’t like to make small talk.

Me: “You know you get to bring it back, right?”

Woman: “But we have to drive it for three days!”

I am dumbfounded but luckily she scoots away to admire a Kia. I did nearly run her over (accidentally! swear!) leaving the parking lot so I feel like we’re even.

And finally, I arrive in glamorous Alpharetta. If only Starbucks offered a shot of Bailey’s.

My own worst enemy

07 Friday Oct 2011

Posted by alifeinplasticbaggies in Seatmate Shenanigans

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Tags

Bella

Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

On the cusp of Yom Kippur, I must atone…

I was talking to E about my misadventures the other day in hopes of uncovering other memories I’ve forgotten/repressed and he posed an interesting thought–did I think I had ever been “that person;” the one who does something absurd on an airplane that was surely talked about in my seatmate’s next call home.

I have certainly annoyed many a fellow seatmate (I tend to  laugh out loud when watching 30 Rock on my iPad) but I couldn’t think of a time that I did something I would find so weird that someone might blog about it (the nerve). Until I remembered an April 2011 trip…

I will say, in my defense, that the story has to do with my dog, Bella, who is the other great love of my life. (I mean, look at that punim; what’s not to love?) The cutest dog on the planetWe had just acquired her and were both in the midst of constant travel which necessitated some extra dog help.

Because I am completely neurotic about mostly everything, when we decided to get Bella  a dog-walker, a formal interview was  necessary. Clearly. The plan was for the dog-walker to come to our house to meet E and Bella and then I’d just dial in from Georgia because I had to fly the day the dog-walker could come. Completely normal, right?

Now, my plan had not been to appear as a crazy person. Like any good psychopath, I wanted to keep this little tidbit under wraps and timed the call so that I could do it from my rental car on the drive to the office. Alas, the air travel gods conspired against me and we got in late…so I did the call from the Tarmac.

I initially called home and had a very normal relationship-y call with E telling him I got in safely and coordinating pick-up times for when I’d return. Then the dog-walker showed up and I switched into business mode, asking about how the business works and how the booking process functions. And then I started talking about Bella’s needs. Oh yes, this dog has needs: “She likes to walk by the river but watch out for Segways because they scare her.” “If it’s really warm, give her an ice cube.” “Be sure she only gets a half of a treat at a time.” “Do you think her gums look ok?” Ok, ok, it’s ME who has needs…needs to be crazy.

I hung up 20 minutes later (still on the Tarmac, thankyouverymuch,ATL) and happened to turn to my seatmate who was obviously trying very hard to not laugh. I’m going to assume I might have cameo’ed in a story of his.

Well, glad that’s off my chest. Happy new year!

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