Tag Archives: TSA is my fave

Wide Open Spaces

14 Thursday Mar 2013

Posted by in With love from the Tarmac

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-TUL

By the time I realized my last flight pre-baby would be to Tulsa, Oklahoma, it was too late to plan anything slightly more…glamorous…in its stead. Not that the purpose of the trip wasn’t worthy–we were attending some very good friends’ wedding in the bride’s home state–but the Southern Plains weren’t high on my list for a final excursion.

I knew when I saw we were boarding out of MSP’s A gate that it was going to be a small flight. The A gate is sort of the end of the MSP airport line and usually where you can find regional flights on teeny planes to places that aren’t quite as desirable/populated/connection-worthy as other locales. My assumptions were proven correct when we showed up to A6 with its 10 chairs and saw a lovely quartet in head-to-toe camo apparel discussing the latest copy of Guns & Ammo. Clearly my people.

The flight went smoothly enough and in less than two hours we found ourselves in Tulsa. You know the song (the Oklahoma song) with the bit about “where the wind comes whistling down the plain”? I can’t confirm I actually heard the wind whistle but I wouldn’t have been surprised to see a tumbleweed across the Tarmac:

Looking lively on the Tulsa Tarmac

Looking lively on the Tulsa Tarmac

Seeing these surroundings, you’ll understand the surprise I felt when the pilot came on to say that we’d be parked for a little while because both grounds crews were busy elsewhere. Yes, both of them. I know I’m kind of a snob but I still had to laugh at this.

Luckily, it wasn’t long before Larry and Bob* were able to bring us into the gate and we were off and running for a weekend of excitement. The wedding was a blast and I was thrilled to find I could still handle the hora in 3″ heels.

Good thing we got there two hours early...

Good thing we got there two hours early…

The quietness of the Tulsa airport was definitely appreciated for the flight home where there were probably as many TSA agents as morning passengers. Sheryl and I were fast friends though:

Me: Do you like boots directly on the conveyor or in a bin?

Sheryl: How sweet of you to ask! We like them in a bin.

Me: Works for me! At MSP they seem to like them directly on the belt but I like to observe the local customs.

Sheryl: “Local customs”! I love that!

Well, I am a charmer after all. After E and I went through the line I don’t think anyone else came through our lane for a solid five minutes. It was incredible.

Home once again, it appears I will be in Minnesota for the foreseeable future. It’s weird to look at my Delta app and see that after several solid years of at least one flight a month, it’s as wide open as a Tulsa Tarmac, but so it goes. All for a great cause.

If you’re concerned with how you’ll live without me/the blog for a while, fret not. I have some more archive posts up my sleeve and will post as I get them written. Plus it’s only a matter of time until there are posts about travel with a kid. I preemptively shudder at the thought.

*presumed names

‘No’ Nonsense

29 Tuesday May 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Seatmate Shenanigans

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-AUS

The word ‘No’ is one you hear frequently at the airport, especially from TSA and airline staff: “No, you can’t bring that bottle of hairspray in your carry-on”; “No, you can’t put your dog through the X-ray machine” (true story–I once saw a woman contemplating whether she was supposed to carry her Shih Tzu or put it on the conveyor), “No, you can’t jam your roller board under the seat in front of you if there isn’t any overhead space.” You catch my drift.

When the word ‘No’ comes from a fellow passenger however, things get decidedly more interesting. En route to Austin for a wedding last week, E and I observed two such instances:

#1: “No, I shall keep my jacket.”

My first story happened within 10 minutes of arriving at the airport (always a great tone to set for an afternoon of flying fun, no?). After scanning in at the podium, E and I queued at the third of four conveyors as it appeared that some altercation was going down on the fourth conveyor. In fact, the fourth conveyor was completely stopped, giving off a post-apocalyptic vibe with all its luggage and bins frozen on their way to the X-ray machine.

Beside the abandoned lane was a family made up of about eight 20-somethings and one old man who was probably in his mid-70s. E and I quickly pieced together that the issue was with the older man who was dressed in a full suit and not speaking English. The younger family members were animatedly arguing with him as he, apparently, did not want to remove his suit jacket. After finally coaxing it off of him several minutes later, he did not want to relinquish it. He just kept yelling what I can only assume was, “No, I shall keep my jacket!” Or something to this effect.

The polite Minnesotans all around this debacle clucked concernedly to each other as the perturbed TSA agent kept (helpfully!) interjecting that the jacket went through the machine or the man didn’t fly.

I don’t know what became of this group. We clearly needed drinks after the steep emotional toll of observing this all go down so once through security, we were off to Surdyk’s.

#2: “No, I don’t think I can do that.”

As is my usual wont, I had booked us in exit rows for both ends of the trip. Settled in to Row 9, the Delta agent came by to get our verbal confirmation that we would all be willing and able to help in an emergency situation. Seated to E’s left (on the aisle) was an older woman who, when asked if she could help in an emergency situation, answered, “No, I don’t think I can do that.”

Now, on the one hand I have to give her kudos for her honesty. She certainly didn’t look like she’d be the most useful in a high-adrenaline situation (there’s no way she could have done anything with a 42 pound door) so it was definitely for the good of the plane that she responded in the negative.

On the other hand, why the deuce did she book an emergency row in the first place?

At any rate, the Delta flight attendant handled the situation calmly. He took her response in stride and suggested another seat for her…which she turned down. Yes, it was at the back of the plane but oy. She then suggested that she’d stay in her seat after all but the flight attendant told her that she’d already said no and therefore he had to respect that response and move her. As you can imagine, there was no shortage of passengers willing to switch with her so it didn’t take long to get the whole thing sorted. Plus, her replacement looked much more able-bodied should any disasters have arisen.

After a whole lot of surprising ‘no’s, we were finally off to the capital of Texas. Yeehaw and whatnot.

Home now, several things have been reaffirmed for me:

  1. I could die happily if I got to eat Migas daily.
  2. E can cut a serious rug.
  3. I am not built for heat. I was mostly a melty pool of Minnesotan for three straight days.

Until the next trip, y’all!

Pre-Checked

19 Thursday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, It's not always so bad

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

It’s the little things that make all the difference, especially when you’re running around airports all the time. Given the usual propensity for flying snafus, my standards for these ‘little things’ is awfully low…a TSA agent who enjoys living, a flight that departs on time, not having anything dropped/spilled on me (got some Fresca to the eye on last night’s flight home courtesy of some aggressive can-opening on the part of the flight attendant).

And if it’s the little things that make all the difference, it’s the big things that make my day…unexpected upgrades, someone offering to put my bag up, and the new TSA PreCheck program.

If you haven’t heard about the PreCheck Program, I’ll explain it to you like I explained it to my friend Christine:

Yep, it’s like flying in 1999 again. Usually, I’m a fan of progress (did I truly live before my iPhone? Debatable.) but the security hassle around flying nowadays can be exhausting. [This is no comment on its necessity, just an acknowledgement of how laborious everything is at present.]

Anyway, back to the PreCheck program. Rolled out selectively beginning in October of last year, the program allowed some frequent fliers of Delta and American to fork over additional personal information in exchange for a quicker pass through security where you don’t have to take off your shoes or belt or remove your laptop or baggies. Since then, more airports have been added, including MSP, which was how I signed up in January.

Someone will have to correct me if I’m wrong on this, but I believe for a while you could only use PreCheck out of your home base airport. I’ve been to ATL many times since signing up but never got to use it out of Hartsfield-Jackson until yesterday when I was pointed to the coveted PreCheck lane after scanning my boarding pass at the pre-checkpoint checkpoint (one could never be enough). I walked right up to the podium, scanned my boarding pass and went into a blissfully open line where there was a dedicated agent awaiting me:

“Ma’am, I’m going to help you out today.”

-“Sounds great; thanks”

“What can I say? I love my job!”

-“Wow, maybe I should work for TSA.”

Quietly, conspiratorially: “No, you really don’t want to do that.”

-“Noted.”

I threw my bags on the conveyor and walked right through the detector (not even a full-body scanner)–shoes and all. I was literally done with security and headed for a Departures monitor in a minute. Glorious. The only two downsides I can foresee are that I’ll be tempted to arrive to the airport even later and that I might have to rename this blog if I no longer have to obsess over my baggie. A small price to pay.

The rest of the flight was uneventful aside from a pretty epic Battle of Elbow with my seat mate (and the previously noted Fresca mishap). It actually got to the point where I didn’t even want it and my left elbow was going numb from trying to keep it on the armrest but, on principle, I had to keep fighting for it. Hard to say who won so I’ll chalk it up as a win since this is my blog and all.

Conveyer Belt Connoisseur

15 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Sunday Fliers

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

I spend a lot of time bemoaning that the situation in which I recently found myself flying was the worst ever (Exhibits A, B and C)…and then I somehow manage to top it. Perhaps I’m just consistently melodramatic, but I prefer to think there’s just always a new echelon of absurdity that was heretofore unknown.

This morning, the ridiculousness was found in the security line. To be fair though, I should start by prefacing that my amusement level was pretty low to start. Due to the fact I was headed to a partner conference commencing at noon on a Sunday in Atlanta, I was on the 6:30am flight out of MSP. My previously noted frustrations with Sunday fliers (omg the lallygagging!) was in full effect and only heightened by the fact I had to be subjected to it whilst in full work attire.

So. Here we go. After once again forgetting to use the TSA Pre-Check lane, I found myself in conveyer gridlock behind, presumably, the most clueless people at the airport. (Yes, I know I already had a tirade last week about Googling how to travel correctly, but the seven people in front of me did not get the memo. I was also annoyed to have, yet again, managed to pick the lane that came to a standstill thanks to someone with more liquid than solid in her carry-on).

Luckily, Roger had my back. Roger was the TSA agent assigned to my line who clearly LOVES his job. He happily plucked the 20 tiny liquid bottles from the aforementioned woman’s carry-on and packed them into a baggie for her, all while explaining the historical background of the liquid sitch. He then repacked a man’s three bins into two (helpfully interjecting pointers on how to put one’s shoes just so in order to maximize space). Sadly for him, when Roger got to me there was nothing to fix. He saw my Delta luggage tag and commented that frequent fliers make his life so much easier. I felt pretty smug…

…Until the TSA guy at the other side of the conveyer asked, solemnly, if I was on my way to a funeral. Maybe it’s time for more color in my workwear.

Comparative Studies in Security Lines

08 Sunday Apr 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security, Holiday Hell

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-BDL / BDL-MSP

Holiday weekend travel, nothing better–amirite?! This past weekend, E and I did a quick back and forth from fly-over to Passover and I was unbelievably annoyed from start to finish. Look, I get that I am short on patience. And I get that I fly more than many, especially more than the infrequent flyers that come out of the woodwork around the holidays, but can I get a collective oy? If you don’t travel a lot, please save yourself a dirty look from me and Google “things to know when you fly”, Ok? Ok.

First things first: The Way There

After a 4am wakeup call, we were at the airport at 5:30 for our 7am flight to Connecticut and surprised to find very short security lines. Unfortunately, what was lacking in volume was made up for in annoyingness of fellow travelers.

In the security line, we were behind a family of four who had no idea what was going on. Understanding exactly half the Ziploc directive, they had their liquids packed in appropriately sized baggies…and several of them per person. Sigh. I amusedly watched the mother practically get naked in anticipation of the body scanner–shoes, socks, belt, coat, sweatshirt (I almost intervened to stop her when she decided she was bare enough)–and wedge all these items into one plastic bin (along with her three Ziplocs, purse and the shoulder strap of her duffel bag), as if she thought there was a one-per-person limit.

Breakfast of champions.

I then turned irrationally livid watching the girl behind me get pulled out of line and told that the full-size liquids in her carry-on were not allowed. “What? Really? But it says it’s travel size.” OMFG. E had to pull me away from the security area before my invective became too audible.

To be fair, however, unlike the second story I’m about to weave for you, at least these travelers didn’t delay me. You do not want to delay me at the airport. Ask E what happens if you walk too slowly on the moving sidewalk.

Plus, we were upgraded (see right), which always makes life a little better. There are few things I enjoy as much as free liquor. Sorry, mom.

Second things second: Home again

More fun in the security line on the way home. Although Bradley has become a pretty good looking and well functioning airport, it still surprises me in how it can be slightly behind the times (for example: the full-body scanner needs eight seconds to process. All the big airports’ machines take three seconds. Just saying.).

In the one line that accepted electronic boarding passes (see what I mean?), E and I got split up between a family of three made of a father and his two teenage daughters who, as teenage girls are wont to be, looked completely bored and judgmental. The three of them were flying to California, connecting through somewhere, and the father handed the security agent their cumulative six boarding passes in one pile. The security agent was not pleased as he had to sort the boarding passes to look at the three currently in question. He then asked daughter #1 (the one who had a cold and was incapable of sneezing without commentary about how sick she felt) what her full name was.

“Christine.”

“Your full name.”

“What?”

Please shoot me. After he got her full name out of her, he turned to daughter #2 and asked the same question. You’d think watching her sister go through this unbelievably complicated exercise would have prepared her but you’d be giving her a lot more credit than she deserved. Unreal. Remind me to raise children that are self-aware.

Kosher-ish

Anyway, we finally got through the slow x-ray machine (behind a gentleman who took his belt off…but then tried to carry it through with him…) and on our way to upgrade #2. And yes, I’ve decided wine is kosher for Passover.

Home. Finally.

One last story. Despite all the conspiracy to slow us down, nothing could stop us from an amazing feat of speed upon landing. We went from pulling up at the gate at 12:59 to being in the car and exiting the Gold ramp at 1:11. I kid you not. We were in the first row of first class and pulled in to D1, so we definitely had the fates on our side but we were pretty impressed with ourselves regardless.

Happy spring holidays to you all!

It’s in the Bag(gie)

18 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security

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Believe it or not, a couple people have actually asked me what’s in my plastic baggie. So here’s an exciting post about it!

BaggieHere’s a typical Business Trip Baggie (see Tip #4 below). As you can see, it’s pretty much packed to the brim. In case you haven’t yet gleaned from this blog, I am a little bit what they call “high maintenance.”

What’s in the baggie:

Deconstructed baggie.

Liquid necessities:

  • Fekkai Color Care shampoo and conditioner. I spend way too much on hair coloring (right, E??) to use hotel shampoo. Plus, some hotels don’t give you conditioner (and if they do, it’s never adequate) so I plan ahead.
  • Mousse. As you can tell, haircare is very important to me. I also have a pomade sort of deal which is technically a gel but it’s too big for the baggie, so…
  • Toothpaste (I usually stow one away as well (rule breaker!)).
  • Makeup (in the top pic I had the mascara in the bag but by the time I took picture #2, I had removed it. Technically TSA says it’s a liquid but I’m usually playing with fire on how much the Ziploc will hold before coming apart at the seams, so I tend to put this in my makeup bag instead. Hasn’t been an issue yet.)
  • Body wash. See first bullet on hotel inadequacies.
  • Face and body moisturizer. All that crap you read about flying being hard on the skin is unfortunately true. And hotels often have really hard water.
  • Two kinds of face wash (one is a backup. I’m petrified of running out of face wash and having to use soap.).
  • Lip gloss (this is what I call a decoy. Like most women, I have lipstick/gloss/chapstick everywhere in every bag, so I put the decoy here to account for all of them.).
  • Perfume. I also carry a solid perfume, but this is a great way to use up department store samples and they hardly take up any space.

Top tips for baggie packing:

  1. Lay items sideways. Standing little bottles upright wastes space.
  2. Pack from largest to smallest. These new-fangled Ziploc baggies are bigger at the bottom.
  3. Alternate the direction of your items. Most of my liquids are in a triangle shape; by alternating their caps and seams, I can get more in.
  4. Every trip is different; plan accordingly. For example, when I fly with E, I make him take extra liquids for me. When I’m going for work to Atlanta, I always stay at a Hyatt which means that they stock the room with toothpaste so I don’t have to give up precious baggie space for it (although I always pack one toothpaste in case I get stuck at the airport in some kind of never-ending delay situation. Scuzzy teeth are the worst.).
  5. Medical liquids can go in a separate baggie (yes, two baggies!).
  6. Do your best. I have never had to rip my bag apart for an elusive liquid. I’m not saying to not follow the rules (believe me, I’m nothing if not a rule-follower), but TSA should be looking out for guns and nun-chucks and whatnot, not my mis-packed mascara. And I think they mostly are. So pack a baggie as best you can and if you need an extra toothpaste and put it in some other bag, the worst case scenario is that they’ll confiscate it. Put your expensive liquids in the baggie and roll the dice on the rest. Since you’re now at the airport, you can probably replace whatever you need. Unless you’re in Tehran. But then you probably have more problems than this blog can solve.

If this seems overly complicated, it is. Over-thinking to this extent is surely causing some sort of mental malfunction in a brain synapse somewhere. I would just always prefer to carry-on than check. I haven’t checked a bag in years. In fact, E and I have taken several two-week European vacations with four carry-ons between us. Insane? Mayhaps. But worth it in my book.

Happy flying!