Dr. Goodall, Reporting for Duty

26 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Seatmate Shenanigans

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: BOS-MSP

I am nothing if not a serious observer of my surroundings (sidebar: my parents used to call me The Hall Monitor of Life because of my intense scrutiny and cataloging of those around me). I am completely fascinated (and sometimes horrified/annoyed) at how people react when their options are limited. Clearly, an airport is an amazing place to observe human nature…everyone is captive and forced to make due with the resources at hand.

On my flight home from a whirlwind weekend with my college girlfriends in Boston, my interest was piqued by my neighbor, a young woman who had the center seat to my left. She got on the plane very late, but came from the back of it, as though she had gotten all the way down the center aisle only to realize she was sitting in 10E and not 30E.

I didn’t think much of her at first (although I was really amused by her actually reading the safety card. I do usually glance at the emergency door if I’m in an exit row so that I won’t embarrass myself if I actually have to save lives, but I can’t recall the last time I’ve looked at the actual overview. I mentally applauded her effort.) and swiftly partook in my usual pre-takeoff nap. Once awakened by the 10,000 foot bell going off, I took out my iPad and fired it up. My neighbor took out her laptop and started it up as well and this was where things got more interesting–at least from an anthropological perspective.

As you can probably tell (from my last post alone), I’m over-prepared for every occasion. (I even have two sets of headphones in my carry-on in case one gets misplaced. God forbid I can’t hear Jack Donaghy.) So you can imagine my fascination when my seat mate (let’s just call her SM), pretty much had nothing with her for entertainment–not a magazine, an iPod, an abacus…nothing.

SM logged onto the plane’s WiFi but didn’t want to buy GoGo from Delta, so she just perused the sites advertising on delta.com. After looking at every Guess item on gilt.com (I’m not that nosy–this took over an hour…very methodical), she gave up on the computer and shut it down. SM then moved on to the Delta magazine, flipping through it in an agitated manner a few times. She then went back to the emergency exit overview before remembering she had her phone with her. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a smartphone, so it was rendered useless pretty quickly.

At this point I was almost giddy as I awaited her next move (“Is this what Jane Goodall felt like with her binoculars?” I asked myself). Unfortunately, it was to nap for the duration of the flight so that was rather anticlimactic. I’m sure Jane could empathize.

It’s in the Bag(gie)

18 Sunday Mar 2012

Posted by in Fun with Security

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Believe it or not, a couple people have actually asked me what’s in my plastic baggie. So here’s an exciting post about it!

BaggieHere’s a typical Business Trip Baggie (see Tip #4 below). As you can see, it’s pretty much packed to the brim. In case you haven’t yet gleaned from this blog, I am a little bit what they call “high maintenance.”

What’s in the baggie:

Deconstructed baggie.

Liquid necessities:

  • Fekkai Color Care shampoo and conditioner. I spend way too much on hair coloring (right, E??) to use hotel shampoo. Plus, some hotels don’t give you conditioner (and if they do, it’s never adequate) so I plan ahead.
  • Mousse. As you can tell, haircare is very important to me. I also have a pomade sort of deal which is technically a gel but it’s too big for the baggie, so…
  • Toothpaste (I usually stow one away as well (rule breaker!)).
  • Makeup (in the top pic I had the mascara in the bag but by the time I took picture #2, I had removed it. Technically TSA says it’s a liquid but I’m usually playing with fire on how much the Ziploc will hold before coming apart at the seams, so I tend to put this in my makeup bag instead. Hasn’t been an issue yet.)
  • Body wash. See first bullet on hotel inadequacies.
  • Face and body moisturizer. All that crap you read about flying being hard on the skin is unfortunately true. And hotels often have really hard water.
  • Two kinds of face wash (one is a backup. I’m petrified of running out of face wash and having to use soap.).
  • Lip gloss (this is what I call a decoy. Like most women, I have lipstick/gloss/chapstick everywhere in every bag, so I put the decoy here to account for all of them.).
  • Perfume. I also carry a solid perfume, but this is a great way to use up department store samples and they hardly take up any space.

Top tips for baggie packing:

  1. Lay items sideways. Standing little bottles upright wastes space.
  2. Pack from largest to smallest. These new-fangled Ziploc baggies are bigger at the bottom.
  3. Alternate the direction of your items. Most of my liquids are in a triangle shape; by alternating their caps and seams, I can get more in.
  4. Every trip is different; plan accordingly. For example, when I fly with E, I make him take extra liquids for me. When I’m going for work to Atlanta, I always stay at a Hyatt which means that they stock the room with toothpaste so I don’t have to give up precious baggie space for it (although I always pack one toothpaste in case I get stuck at the airport in some kind of never-ending delay situation. Scuzzy teeth are the worst.).
  5. Medical liquids can go in a separate baggie (yes, two baggies!).
  6. Do your best. I have never had to rip my bag apart for an elusive liquid. I’m not saying to not follow the rules (believe me, I’m nothing if not a rule-follower), but TSA should be looking out for guns and nun-chucks and whatnot, not my mis-packed mascara. And I think they mostly are. So pack a baggie as best you can and if you need an extra toothpaste and put it in some other bag, the worst case scenario is that they’ll confiscate it. Put your expensive liquids in the baggie and roll the dice on the rest. Since you’re now at the airport, you can probably replace whatever you need. Unless you’re in Tehran. But then you probably have more problems than this blog can solve.

If this seems overly complicated, it is. Over-thinking to this extent is surely causing some sort of mental malfunction in a brain synapse somewhere. I would just always prefer to carry-on than check. I haven’t checked a bag in years. In fact, E and I have taken several two-week European vacations with four carry-ons between us. Insane? Mayhaps. But worth it in my book.

Happy flying!

Back of the Bus

09 Friday Mar 2012

Posted by in It's not always so bad

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

Do you remember riding the bus to school in grade school where the back of the bus was always the place to be because it was where all the rowdy fun was? This appears to still be the case, even on a flying bus.

Due to a trip reschedule and in an attempt to avoid over $500 in change fees, I was scheduled to fly home on the last flight to MSP for the night at 9:55pm. Aside from the fact that I like to be in bed and asleep by 9:55pm, there’s nothing like knowing it’s your last chance of the night to get home to amp up the anxiety.

Luckily, one of the few perks of flying with status on Delta is a complimentary same-day confirmation onto a different flight. The only catch is that you can’t do it until the three-hour window of your desired flight time. So, since I wanted to get on the 7:40pm flight, I had to wait until 4:40 to call. After dialing in at 4:38 (from the highway in Atlanta traffic no less–do not recommend unless you have your SkyMiles number memorized), I was confirmed on the 7:40 by 4:42. Whee!

The downside to all this, of course, is that you take the seat that’s available. Although the Delta rep was able to get me a window, I was in row 37 of 40 on the narrowest plane in Delta’s fleet.

Once aboard, I realized that although I was in the basement of the airplane, I was in excellent company as it quickly occurred to me that everyone around me was in the same situation as I. There was the pair of already-inebriated women two rows behind me (henceforth known as the Drunken Duo) who had been standing by for the last two MSP-bound flights, the guy next to me who had formerly been scheduled on the 8:30 flight, and the entire row across from us of surly Diamond-level fliers who were just as annoyed as I was that we were in the back (one of whom offered to buy me a drink if I took his middle seat. Fat chance, buck-o).

There’s something strange about flying that builds an instant camaraderie between people (or animosity, depending on the situation) and it wasn’t long before we were all doing that annoying frequent flyer thing (which I’m sure is unbearably annoying to non-frequent flyers) of swapping travel nightmare stories and discussing how to get more miles accrued. By the time the drink cart came through, it was pretty damn jovial in the back of the bus and, after sharing a laugh at the fact that we all had comp drink cards, there was some across-the-aisle cheers-ing.

To boot, we got in early and E and Bells were already waiting for me at baggage.

Sometimes, it really isn’t all that bad after all.

Sunday Fliers

05 Monday Mar 2012

Posted by in Sunday Fliers

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

The expression “Sunday Driver“* kept popping into my head on last night’s flight to Atlanta. Granted, I’m perpetually in a hurry (in life) so any slowness makes me batty but last night was so ridiculous that I was convinced there was some sick twist on a flash mob happening all around me…except it didn’t have music or dance moves…just people moving slowly and stupidly. To summarize:

  1. The guy checking status cards where you jump the line at Checkpoint Two cheerfully asked, “Headed home?” No, thanks for reminding me.
  2. I was behind a woman in line for the full-body scanner who would not get out of the damn thing. TSA agent: “Ok, ma’am, you can step out.” “Are you sure? I don’t think it went.” He finally radioed up for them to scan her again just to get her out of it.
  3. All the remaining southeast-bound flights for the night were in one clump together at the end of the G Concourse. I’m sure this sounds good on paper somewhere, but in practice, I’m giving it an F. If you are not familiar with MSP’s G Concourse, at the end of it are gates 18-22, all on top of each other. And every single one was being used. It was like a refugee zone filled with people going to Florida.
  4. Everyone and her mother wanted to talk to me including in line at Starbuck’s where a 12 year-old struck up conversation by asking me, straight-faced, if I “come here often.”
  5. And then, of course, the inevitable flight delay is announced. It was only for 20 minutes but in a waiting area of Sunday Fliers, havoc broke out immediately with everyone lining up at the counter to demand information and recompense for their mental anguish.
  6. Although I lost the Battle of Elbow (honestly, I forfeited; the poor guy’s knees came right up to the seat in front of him), the flight was pretty uneventful. And then we landed and I counted three–THREE–people (and remember, these are just those I could see) who put their coats on in the aisle. In the freaking aisle. Because there aren’t 50 people behind you waiting to get the frack off this plane. No, no, take your time! I just want YOU to be comfortable on the walk up the jetway which is apparently through Siberia.

Arg. I’d also like to mention that we got in at 10:45pm. I think this explains (and justifies!) most of my irrational anger.

* One last note on Sunday drivers…they too were out in force! I almost got front-ended (can this happen?) at the toll booth on the Georgia 400 where someone realized he didn’t have exact change and had to switch to a lane with a cashier…oy gevalt.

Stress-Free Spring Break Travel: A How-To

18 Saturday Feb 2012

Posted by in It's not always so bad

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-MIA / MIA-MSP

Beach Bliss - Key West

Spring break as an adult is a glorious thing. You don’t have to take a midterm before you leave, there’s considerably more cash on hand, and you don’t have to reassure your mother you won’t do anything untoward.

Despite all these items in the “pro” column, there’s still the adventure of flying amidst the spring break masses. Even if you’ve never taken a spring break excursion (I’m sorry), if you’ve had to fly between mid-February and mid-April, you’ve probably encountered some of the fun that comes at this time of year.

Which brings us to the how-to of this post. I’m delighted to report that E and I have just returned from a fabulous mid-winter getaway to the Florida Keys that came with no travel hindrance whatsoever. Admittedly, we were not traveling at the peak of spring break insanity, but nonetheless, I have packaged up some Key (!) learnings for you to apply to your own travel planning:

  1. Fly at a time unholy to those with tuition payments. We left for Miami before 7am on a Saturday and were the youngest people on our flight by at least 25 years which means compatriots who follow directions and step aside for fast walkers. Plus, we reached Miami before noon.
  2. Get an upgrade (at least on the way to your destination). Nothing says “Aloha, vacation!” like an 8am screwdriver.
  3. Head home early. I know, I know, this flies in the face of the typical vacation mindset about getting the most out of your time away, but hear me out on this. We flew home on a Friday night and thus were surrounded by tired business travelers instead of the hungover college kids with “I Survived Spring Break 2k12!!!!!” t-shirts that look and smell like hell you might find on a Sunday afternoon flight. (Although, to be fair, they’re sometimes as quiet as the tired business travelers because they’re hardly conscious). Plus, because you followed Tips #1 and 2, you already got to really enjoy that first day of vacation, so getting home early isn’t as big of a let-down.

  4. I know, I can hardly believe she's this cute, either.

    Get a dog. I used to hate coming home from vacation a lot more before I had a dog. Now, I don’t mind as much because as soon as I step into the airport for the return flight, I think about how excited I am to see her. (What’s that? You’d like to see a picture? No, it’s no trouble at all, here’s one>>)

Fool-proof? Probably not. But it worked this one instance and it’s been captured on a blog so it’s now gospel.

Happy spring break-ing!

A brush with greatness

26 Thursday Jan 2012

Posted by in It's not always so bad

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

As we’ve routinely established on this blog, I have a very serious problem when it comes to getting trapped in conversations. For whatever reason, I cannot resist engaging with people, no matter how little I want to speak to them. And then things like this happen. I’m not sure if it’s the Minnesota Nice that’s buried in my DNA, my parents’ etiquette tutelage or just some ingrained curiosity, but it is a seemingly insurmountable characteristic.

That said, every now and then something great comes from these random conversations. Like meeting a celebrity you didn’t even know existed.

My afternoon at the airport had been largely uneventful (well, what qualifies as uneventful for me: being on the receiving end of an annoyed TSA agent, listening to the whining of some self-important businessman who was perturbed nobody would let him cut the line for his flight that was in 12 minutes, watching a guy carefully extricate a wrapped up bottle of Robitussen and pour himself three spoonfuls of it…seriously, where do these people come from??) and I was pleased to board on-time and with only a mild tweak of my back as I attempted to get my bag up.

On board, I settled in and counted the minutes to the drink cart making the rounds. As I observed my fellow passengers, I realized there was an entire band on board and sitting all around me. I didn’t immediately recognize them so I figured it was just some no-big-deal group on its way to a gig.

Although he didn’t have a guitar with him, I quickly deduced that the guy next to me was somehow with the band. When he struck up conversation, I asked about where they were going and if I had heard of them. He said that they were on their way to Winnipeg and that the band was called Third Day, a Christian Rock group.

If you’ve read this blog more than once (or know me personally), you can probably ascertain quite quickly that this is not my genre of music and therefore meant nothing to me. We chatted on about all sorts of things and slowly I began to realize that I was in the presence of a legitimate celebrity when he mentioned they had performed in Minneapolis a few times (at the Target Center no less). I finally asked if they’d won any major awards and he humbly admitted that yes, they’d won four Grammys. Wow; what have I done lately?

Although I felt really bad serving him a huge piece of humble pie by having absolutely no clue who his band was (and wanted to slap myself in the head for starting our conversation by somewhat condescendingly asking if they’d actually been successful enough to do music full-time), he was nothing but classy about it and even promised to check out this blog (Hi, David!), so here’s hoping I’ve found an on-ramp to my 15 minutes of fame.

So here I am, full-circle on my self-admonishment for talking to everyone I encounter at the airport. After all, you never know who you’re going to meet.

 

Holding Pattern

22 Sunday Jan 2012

Posted by in Un-fun Up in the Air

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Trip type: Personal/Business

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-ATL

The more I fly, the more I’m subjected to hearing the same annoying phrases over and over again:

  1. Enjoy your flight! (Comment below if you have actually enjoyed a flight in the last year.)
  2. If there’s anything we can do to make your flight more comfortable, please let us know. (Ok, I’d like a wine IV and to not have to sit next to, um, anyone.)
  3. We apologize for the delay and will let you know more information as we receive it. (Sounds nice and reassuring but is sure to cause panic in 10 seconds flat.)
  4. We’ll just be sitting on the Tarmac for a bit until a gate/a de-icing machine/traffic control can accommodate us. (Shoot me now.)

And then there’s the phrase E and I heard this weekend on our flight to Atlanta: We’ve been put in a holding pattern.

Everything started smoothly enough…we had a 9am flight to Atlanta which departed on time and with little difficulty (although I was quickly reminded how slowly weekend flights board compared to my usual 6am Monday flights). We were just about to start descending for Atlanta when the announcement came:

“Ladies and gentlemen, due to bad weather in Atlanta, air traffic control has put us in a holding pattern for the next hour or so. Please remain seated during this time as the weather may cause unexpected turbulence. We’ll let you know if the situation changes.”

Um, ok. The iPad had plenty of battery so I wasn’t overly concerned for the moment. About a half hour later, we got the next update:

“There’s been a slight break in the weather so we’re going to try to land. Air traffic control thinks it can land three or four planes. Flight attendants, please prepare for landing.”

Well this looks promising! Then I see three enormous lightning bolts out of my window.

“Well, we clearly haven’t landed and it looks like we won’t soon…we’re headed back into the hold. Please remain seated.”

Sigh. When the updates get terse and to-the-point, you know everyone’s on her last nerve. Luckily, it wasn’t too much later until we got the final update:

“There’s been another break and we’ve been cleared for landing.”

Finally. We landed very fast but without much fanfare, and proceeded to have a great weekend in Atlanta (after years of flying through the Atlanta airport, I finally got to visit the Coca-Cola museum (highly recommended!)).

All of which brings me to my favorite saying; does anyone remember the “We love to fly and it shows” Delta ad campaign from way back? I sure do.

Traditions Worth Breaking

27 Tuesday Dec 2011

Posted by in Holiday Hell

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Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-BDL

At this time of year, you tend to hear a lot about traditions and how they make the holiday season so memorable. Although I have many cherished traditions with my friends and family, there is one in particular I’d like to break and it has to do with flying to Connecticut with E around Christmas.

Last year, as you may recall from a previous post, we encountered pure hell on our flight home when we were diverted to Green Bay, Wisconsin and ended up driving ourselves home on an unlit highway. I neglected to mention, however, that this trip started with me breaking a couple of toes. As we were leaving directly after work, we had packed the night before and I had stupidly left my suitcase out in the middle of the bedroom. When I got up in the morning, I walked right into it and managed to break my second and third toes on my left foot. True to form, I figured it wasn’t that big of a deal, popped a couple of Tylenol and put on socks so I wouldn’t have to look at my feet. By the time we got to CT that evening, my toes were bruised and about twice their usual size. Luckily, E’s mom is a doctor and was able to bandage me up and play apothecary from the family’s well-stocked personal pharmacy stash.

Here we are in 2011. You would think that last year’s luck would guarantee us smooth sailing this year. So far, we’re batting 1000.

Thursday, I visited my doctor who suggested I get a Tetanus shot since I couldn’t remember when I’d had my last one and they’re only good for about 10 years. Sure, why not; let’s plan ahead. The nurse told me (after the shot, naturally) that my arm might be sore for a couple of days. Fine. Well, come Sunday morning (yes, Christmas Day, also known as the best day to require medical attention), it was not only still sore but was also red, hot to the touch, and absolutely throbbing (I had noticed this going on for the past few days as well but, as mentioned above, thought that ignoring it was the surest way for it to disappear on its own. I may have to revise my views on self-medicating.).

Thanks to Walgreens for being open on Christmas Day.

Although my MD mother-in-law came to the rescue again, diagnosing me over FaceTime and finding a Walgreens that was actually open to which she called in a couple of prescriptions for me, I realized that with the pre-flight-to-CT-physical-ailment-requiring-a-doctor already taking place, I was now on track for a repeat of last year. Drat.

The next day, we were off to the airport bright and early because of course we would choose to fly the day after Christmas for no real reason with every other holiday traveler on the planet. Good planning. The two things working in our favor were our propensity for showing up quite early on notoriously busy travel days and the promise of an already-confirmed upgrade to first class. Not to mention being able to jump the security line with a status card (E now thinks I’m magic).

So other than the flight attendant dumping some (luckily NOT scalding) coffee on E (“Don’t worry, he’s a lawyer!” I helpfully chirped to her), the flight to Bradley was uneventful and filled with delicious Bloody Marys. Yes, plural.

Safely ensconced on the East coast, I can only hope  our flight home does not come with any rerouting.

Thankful

23 Wednesday Nov 2011

Posted by in Holiday Hell, It's not always so bad

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In honor of Thanksgiving, from the archives. Thanksgiving 2010.

Trip type: Personal

Airline: Delta

Route: MSP-BDL

In case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m a little neurotic sometimes. Especially as it pertains to flying. I carry the exact same liquids (which I pack in the exact same order in their baggie) on every flight. I methodically engineer my suitcase to balance weight and category of each item. I use the same security line at MSP. Everything goes on the conveyer belt in the same order. You catch my drift.

Knowing this, you can probably guess how well I take to any deviation in my carefully devised craziness, especially when set to fly the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving Day. So when E suggested we bring a pie home with us from Salty Tart to Thanksgiving with his family, well, I was not on board (“It cuts down on a carry-on!”, “It’s supposed to stay refrigerated!”, “What if TSA decides it’s not packaged properly and throws it away?!”). Luckily for him (and [grumble] me), E has learned to take my resistance in stride and move forward with plans he knows are a good idea.

After scouring the Delta website, we ascertained that we could, in fact, bring the pie. Now my primary arguments were down to carry-on quantity and refrigeration. E’s usual mantra in life is that things will just work out and I must say this proves remarkably true for him. Not only did the pie make it through security unmolested, the ladies of the Delta Lounge even let us use their employee refrigerator to keep it cool before we left on our flight.

And it was a huge hit at the Thanksgiving table.

On that note, things related to flying for which I’m thankful:

1. Intrepid E – my favorite flying companion.

2. Great family I’d fly anywhere to be with.

3. The friends I can see without going to the airport and those that require a cross-country flight.

4. A tiny dog that I would never ever try and fly with. Oy gevalt.

5. Delta lounges with Wi-Fi and fully stocked bars.

6. Not having to do it this year. Staying home with E and the fur ball=Bliss.

Wishing you and yours a happy, safe, flight-nightmare-free Thanksgiving!

Golden

18 Friday Nov 2011

Posted by in Fun with Security

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Trip type: Business

Airline: Delta

Route: ATL-MSP

I know you’ve all been anxiously awaiting the moment I solidified Gold status* for next year (no? just me? well, you’re here reading already so go with it.) and I’m glad we could all be here together at this exciting time as I tell you that it’s mission: accomplished. Cue streamers.

Solidified for another year.

Other than our collective excitement, I have more to share because, naturally, this momentous occasion could NOT be accompanied by an enjoyable experience at the airport.

Never one to underestimate Atlanta area traffic, I arrived nice and early for my 12:30 flight home yesterday. As I queued into the security line, a gentleman slightly ahead of me caught my attention immediately. Surprisingly, it wasn’t the strong scent of stale scotch, lack of socks with dress shoes or extremely rumpled suit that assailed me at first, it was my hearing as I was forced to listen to his discussion of the…um… entertainment’s ethnicity from the previous night.

“I thought she was Estonian but it turns out she’s from Chattanooga! I know! Just an ethnic-looking hill-billy!”

I raised my eyebrows disapprovingly at him but his eyes were so glazed over that I doubt he noted it.

Blessedly, the call ended shortly thereafter. Perhaps I spoke too soon about him not noticing me, however:

“You’re from New York.” (Looking directly at me. Well, mostly. His eyesight was none too steady.) “Are you going to New York?”

“No.”

“F***.”

“Excuse me?”

“Do you want to come to New York with me?”

“I’m going home to my husband in Minneapolis.”

Then he started singing “St. Juuuuudddeeee….” to the tune of “Hey, Jude” because he was just in Minneapolis at St. Jude Medical. I put on my best appalled face which was unfortunately accompanied by furious blushing due to our exchange.

Luckily, at this point it was his turn to scan in and then he immediately got preoccupied trying to jump the rest of the security line as his flight was in 20 minutes (finally confirming my suspicion that he had literally rolled out of bed and somehow gotten himself to the airport.)

It was mostly uphill from here, although I did have to sit next to a woman who was clearly a smoker and wanted an iPhone tutorial for most of the flight. “Can you believe I just got this? I have no idea what I’m doing!” You don’t say.

To another year of Delta adventures as I start the Gold-quest all over again…

*I’m fully aware that Gold status means approximately nothing, but it’s the little things that make one happy, you know?